* Note that I tried to post this yesterday, Nov. 12th, but the wordpress gods wouldn’t allow it *
Today I am officially a non smoker.
A four-day weekend was the perfect way to lead up to this day: my first day cigarette-less. For the last three days I have managed to smoke only 2 cigarettes a day. I was able to keep busy at home, out of my usual routine, and it seemed … well, easy.
I thought that my last cigarette yesterday would be a little more ceremonious… momentous… memorable… but it was like any other cigarette lately: it tasted gross and it stank. I guess I thought that the last one would hold more meaning, that I would hold onto it like it was life-giving, suck on it like it was a McDonald’s milkshake, and savor it like it was a fine wine. I thought that it would be a big deal.
It wasn’t. It made me feel ill like most cigarettes have in the last week, probably a side effect of the Champix.
I hope this means that I’m finally ready.
Today has been fairly tough but, honestly, not as tough as I anticipated. Anyone who has tried to quit and has been unsuccessful is now rolling their eyes, disgusted at that statement, and probably wants to set me on fire. With their cigarettes.
Whoa whoa whoa. I didn’t say it was easy. I’ve had moments through the day when I wanted to scratch the skin off my bones. I’vce had very anxious, shaky moments. I thought about tearing my eyes out a couple of times. I’ve sucked on suckers, eaten an inhuman number of Sweet Tarts, and drank a lot of water, and … are you ready? … even went out into nature and had a walk!
So no… it wasn’t easy. BUT. I had imagined that I would spend the day curled up in the fetal position, rocking, curled up in blankets, drooling out of one corner of my mouth. And that was when I wasn’t crying. Compared to that… the day has being good.
Right now, at this very moment and without conscious thought, my mind thinks, “What am I going to do next?”. The same mind sends a signal to all of my senses that says, “SMOKE”. My mouth waters because it remembers the taste of that sweet smoke sliding against my tongue and down my throat. My fingers twitch because there is nothing between them. My lungs expand with nothing but fresh air. I can picture the glowing end of the smoke getting brighter as I take a big drag off of it.
And then I remember that I’m a non smoker. And non smokers don’t do any of that.
Here’s to tomorrow… back to work and back to a normal routine.
